I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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