remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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