I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
