I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
