I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
