I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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