i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
