Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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