we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
