dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
