Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
