Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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