A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
