it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
