$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
