I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
