Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
