Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
