The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
