you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
