Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
