I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
