it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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