My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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