Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
