It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
