it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
