I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
