you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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