Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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