The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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