he thought i was a dude.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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