He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Shame is for Republicans.
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