Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
