Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
