I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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