i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
