In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
