i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
