Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
