I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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