I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
you had me at cake vodka
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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