I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
