I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
