I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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