We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
