just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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