What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
