How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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