Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
