im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
