highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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