remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize