need another drink. this is the easiest way
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
