I wish I could teleport
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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