The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
